Category Archives: ask my MOMMA

My “mom” friends and I always laugh that it’d be great if kids came with a parenting manual!  I have three children, all in elementary school and things seem more crazy than ever.  Do you have any sort of a guide to help me check my “parenting” score card?

There are many academic answers about the “good enough parent.”  I’ll share some guidelines that appeared recently in Child Care Info Exchange.  Ten competencies identified by noted researcher, Robert Epstein, PhD, predicts happy, healthier and more successful children.

1. & 2.  Love and affection are obvious and of foremost importance.

3.  Stress management and relationship skills are important but not generally in parental conscientiousness.  Stress management calls on parents to reduce stress for themselves and their children.  Additionally, stress management compels parents to practice relaxation methods and help their children to positively interpret events.  Competency requires parents to maintain healthy relationships with one another (married, divorced, or partnering) and to model effective relationship skills to their children.

4.  Autonomy and independence invites you to treat your children with respect.  Your respectful actions will help them become self sufficient and self reliant during their childhood and as adults.

5.  Education and learning summons parents to model and promote learning to their children.  This competency also requires parents to facilitate educational opportunities for their children.

The last five competencies are important and most likely more familiar to you in the “should do” list of parenting.  These include:

6.  Life skills, offering your children a plan for the future and the basic essentials that can be provided with a regular income.

7.  Behavior management, focusing on positively guiding and reinforcing.

8.  Health, living a healthy lifestyle including appropriate habits, nutrition, and physical exercise.

9.  Religion, supporting spiritual or religious participation.

10.  Safety, obliging you to protect your children with reasonable precaution and insight into their activities and friends.

A friend and I were chatting the other day about how important (and hard) it is to teach our kids good manners in this kick back, casual world we live in today. Momma typed up some tips for us.  I hope you find her insight as helpful as I did. Happy Thursday!  XOXO

Please, excuse me, and thank you demonstrate well-mannered behavior.  If you devote time to teaching your children the importance of polite behavior, you’ll enjoy hanging around them more and be proud to take them in public.  In spite of the fact that expectations for etiquette have diminished over time, no one wants to be around rude, ill-mannered children.  So, we have not completely lost the value for social customs.

It’s my privilege to welcome Dr. Harley A. Rotbart as a guest author to our “Ask my Momma” section today.  Dr. Rotbart is a nationally recognized parenting expert, author, speaker, and educator.  His most recent work includes No Regrets Parenting.  He has been a Pediatrics specialist for the past 30 years and is Professor and Vice Chairman of Pediatrics at the University of Colorado School of Medicine and Children’s Hospital Colorado.  Dr. Rotbart started following cecyj on twitter a few months ago, so I asked my Momma to reach out to him to see if he might be interested in sharing his wealth of knowledge with us.

Welcome, Dr. Rotbart!  We’re so glad to have you join us today.  Okay, here is my question…

Can you explain the results of the most recent research confirming that vaccines are not linked to autism?  I diligently spread out my boys’ vaccinations because of the concern.  Where are we on this issue today?

The concern regarding a link between measles-mumps-rubella (MMR) vaccine and autism began with a 1988 report of 12 children in England diagnosed with autism weeks after receiving the MMR; these children also had intestinal symptoms.  The investigators claimed the vaccine damaged the intestines, allowing toxins to escape into the blood and reach the brain.  This study generated enormous media attention; an instant controversy was born.  Celebrities with autistic kids embraced the findings and went on media crusades.  Vaccination rates dropped.

With time, new analyses and research emerged.  Many other experts reviewed the initial research and found serious flaws.  The National Academy of Science’s Institute of Medicine and the American Academy of Pediatrics reviewed all of the published research in the field, and concluded there is no evidence the vaccine causes autism or autism spectrum disorder.

Many new lines of proof against a vaccine link also accumulated.  For example, a Danish study of more than 500,000 kids found no differences in autism rates among those who did and those who didn’t receive MMR.  Other researchers looked at “home movies” made of kids prior to their diagnosis of autism and prior to their MMR vaccine, and compared them with home movies of other kids who didn’t ultimately get diagnosed with autism.  Autism experts, unaware of the outcome of the kids, very accurately predicted by their behaviors which kids would, and which would not develop autism.  All the telltale behaviors occurred before vaccination.

And then one year ago, the nail in the coffin of the vaccine-autism “link.”  Investigations uncovered the 1998 study that started the whole controversy was falsified.  The results were faked.  The researcher was being paid a fortune by a law firm planning to sue vaccine manufacturers.  He was stripped of his medical license and his 1998 paper was retracted by the journal that originally published it.

The sad legacy of the fraudulent research lasted 13 years, raising fears about MMR vaccine safety and raising hopes among the parents of autism that a “cause” had been identified.

It’s over.  MMR vaccine does not cause autism, never did. Vaccinate your kids.

I’ve done pretty well keeping cool with my kids up until now, but my 4 year old son literally acts like he does not hear me.  It’s painful trying to get him to do anything from put on his shoes to, god forbid, pick up a toys.  Lately, I’ve been getting so mad I’ve caught myself raising my voice to him.  I don’t want to be that “screaming mom” but I want him to be responsive.  I admit I need some help keeping my cool ALL DAY LONG!  Advice?

Jackie C., Irvine, CA. 

Although your 4 year old is pushing your temper, his actions, and more precisely his refusal to respond to your requests, are very typical for his age.

4 year old abandon the more balanced behaviors we observed when they were 3.  Instead, they exhibit unexpected and radical behavior shifts which range from wildly active to shy and socially introverted.  Your son probably pays little attention or ignores your requests because he is intensely immersed in fantasy play, as he should be, and his imagination has spiked.  This creates difficulty for him to distinguish what is real and what is not.

You might have noticed that his play can also quickly deteriorate, turning silly and wild.  Yet, his language is filled with “why” questions as he tries to make sense of everything.  He is now aware that there are more choices than the ones you offer, and, almost certainly, your requests do not align with his preferences.

Try these five, non-reactive approaches:

1. Maintain consistent routines and schedules allowing him ample time to switch from his fantasy play so that he can dress, eat, and be ready for what is necessary.  Expect him sometimes to remain in a fantasy role while he responds to your requests.

2. Give him at least a five-minute advance notice when he is expected to finish what he is doing.

3. Define what actions are OK and which are not.  It doesn’t matter that you detailed these rules yesterday.  You need to repeat them over and over and over again.  Your son might have been a jet pilot when you told him yesterday, and today, he’s the firefighter or excavation operator so he’ll need to be “re-instructed.”

4. Redirect him before his positive play crumbles and be prepared with a variety of adventures.

5. Provide him with verbal rewards whenever he displays appropriate behaviors and responds to your requests, “I’m so pleased and proud of you when come to the table when I say breakfast is ready.

  When is the right time to start talking to my 13 year old son about the importance of college?  I did not attend and it’s one of the biggest regrets of my life.  How do I guide him towards a higher education without being one of those parents that puts so much pressure on their kid that they end-up rejecting it all?  I feel like a hypocrite telling him how important college is when he knows my husband and I did not attend, got married, and have a pretty terrific life without it.

While you can certainly enjoy a terrific life without a college education, your regret in not attending should play a role in your discussions with your son about the importance of higher education.  As you have conversations with your son, causally begin to talk about college and tell him why you regret not attending, and graduating, from college.

Because your son is 13, you and your husband need to agree on a plan and begin immediately.  A couple of preliminary considerations as you develop a plan: How effective is the education he is now receiving?  How are his grades?  Who does he hang around with and are they college bound?  Are you living in a community where colleges and universities are part of the community?  How would you rate his study habits?  You may not be able to control the quality of these issues but understand their importance in facilitating the path to college.  Check out how many high graduates from your community attend college.  Meet with your son’s junior high and high school counselors and participate in every orientation and meeting available for families.

Another approach is to focus in on your son’s interests, be it ecology, firefighting, marine life, car racing, rock climbing, or music.  Log onto college websites and bring essential information about his interests and those colleges into his everyday life.  The next step is to begin visiting colleges that may offer majors related to his interests.  The spring break during his high school freshman year is a good time to begin.  Pick one or two colleges and check out the options to be sure that currently enrolled college students are leading the orientation tours.  You want the visits to colleges and universities to be exciting and fun.

I don’t know about you but my kids are in recovery mode from the endless sugary treats, more gifts than they know what to do with, lack of schedule, lack of sleep and a the flu thrown in the mix.  I asked my mom for 5 simple holiday recovery tips for the family.

1.  Reset your routines ASAP.  This is especially important because routines are erased or at least modified for most children during the holiday season.  It will take effort for everyone to gear up for those early morning wake up calls when school begins.

2.  Plan healthy meals together.  Your planning, with input from your children, should be for at least the next three to four days.  Be sure to include snacks in your meal planning.   Follow precise rules: the meals must be yummy with preparation requiring everyone’s help and the meals must be healthy.  Exclude the sugary and salty foods that dominated the ongoing holiday feasts.

3.  Focus on sleep.  The holidays disrupt sleep routines because children are allowed to stay up later; experience travel across time zones; and, are often displaced from their own bedrooms for visiting relatives.   Let your children know what time they are expected to begin preparing for bed and the time that lights are out and sleep is in.  Allow ample time for bedtime preparation as your children adjust to resetting their routines.  Reading books is still one of the best ways to help children unwind and prepare for sleep.

4.  Encourage thankful behaviors.  The holiday season provided your children with gifts, treats, special events, and intensive activities.  Talk about the importance of being thankful and expressing their thankfulness.  Help them think about ways to express their gratefulness for their family, community, and gifts.   Photos and thank you notes remain simple and valuable ways to express gratitude.

5.  Avoid recriminations.  Adults create the holiday frenzy by hyping up the “Be Good and You’ll Get…” campaign.  Your children responded accordingly and they are functioning with less sleep, too much sugar, and an abundance of gifts you either bought or allowed them to receive.  Tolerance is definitely needed as you reset their routines, provide healthy meals, focus on their sleep, and encourage their thankful behaviors.

If you have a parenting question for my MOMMA click here.

I’m a new step-mom.  Ironically, I had a step mom of my own as a child so I know how painful and hard it can be.  I always wanted my real mom around but had to tolerate a step-mom.  My new step-kids seem to be hurting with the hope that someday their parents will get back together.  I know my role is different and I don’t want to replace their mom. But what can I do to provide a loving home for them?

Because of your own experience as a step-child, you already know that no matter what your step-mother did for you, you still had to “tolerate” her.  Most likely, you fantasized about your parents getting back together.  You were no different than the majority of children from broken homes, no matter their age or the circumstance of their parent’s divorce.  Children are the victims of relationships gone sour and with more than half of marriages ending in divorce, children are routinely shuffled back and forth between parents and homes.  They are left without a sense of belonging.

The best approach for you, particularly as a new step-mom, will be to focus on providing a loving home where your step-children are welcomed, comfortable, and can take advantage of every opportunity to spend time with their dad.  Don’t try to compete with their mother, you’ll never win.  Remember, as a step-mother you have no legal rights so be prepared to defer to your husband about decisions regarding his children.  This is why you need to communicate carefully with your husband about the house rules and the routines that he’ll support while his children are visiting.

My son Jack is in the 5th grade and is struggling with his school work.  When he asks his teacher a question, she tells him he needs to figure it out himself, because that material was already covered.  Jack excelled in mathematics last year but now he says math “just isn’t his thing.”  The teacher seems to have it out for him.  If I complain, I am concerned his teacher will make it more difficult for Jack because his mom stirred up trouble but I don’t want him to fall behind.  What should I do?

A:  Before you complain to the administration, meet with the teacher on an informal basis.  Call or email to set a time to have a brief talk.  Let the teacher know that you are just checking in and look forward to meeting.  Your attitude could lessen the teacher’s negative reaction.  On the other hand, if you have already met the teacher during Back-to-School Night and are informed about the class requirements, request a more formal parent-teacher conference.  Before you attend the casual meeting or parent-teacher conference, gather more information from Jack.  Is his math class just before lunch or at the end of the day?  Is his desk too far back to see the white board?  Is he surrounded by distracting classmates?  Review the assignments and graded work with him.  Simple factors might be negatively impacting his ability to focus, and could be easy remedied.

It is also likely that your son ended up with a mediocre teacher who caters to the children who already understand the material or have advanced skills.  You might not be able to move Jack into another class so you’ll need to help him adjust.  If this is the case, find a good tutor who will provide Jack with one-to-one instruction to equip him to handle the workload.  Spend homework-time with Jack and connect his math assignments to the subjects he likes.  For example, if he does well in science or astronomy, help him connect mathematics to solar calculations.

A school district superintendent once told me, when my own daughters were starting school, that parents should consider themselves lucky if their children end up with two to three “good” teachers during their 12 years of school.  As unsettling as that is, it doesn’t change the fact that it is up to you to guide Jack through the maze of teachers with greatly varying teaching styles and personalities.  In the end, Jack’s adaptability will enhance his life-long successes.

I’m the lucky mother of a beautiful 1 year old.  I’m overweight and to be honest was never taught about healthy eating and exercise habits?  Any advice?

Catherine, Albuquerque, NM

It is up to you to model healthy eating and activity habits for your child.  This means that you must plan meals, purchase healthy groceries, prepare nutritional meals for the family, and sit down and eat meals together.  Eating out and on-the-run should be the exception, saved for emergencies and special occasions.  Convenient, junk, fast and other foods prepared outside the home are much higher in salt, sugar, fat, and preservatives plus the portions generally are more than healthy appetites require.

Don’t make excuses… it really doesn’t matter that you were never taught about healthy eating.  You have a responsibility to yourself and to your child.  Educate yourself.  Begin reading about the nutritional needs for a one-year-old and everyone else in your family.  Sites such as healthychildren.org and kidseatright.org are excellent places for you to begin.

Advanced planning for you is critical and may be the only way to begin breaking bad habits.  Besides planning and preparing nourishing meals, be sure that you schedule active movement each day.  Take your baby on long walks, maybe to the park and be sure to pack healthy snacks.  Perhaps walk to the grocery store or a farmer’s market so that you learn to buy local and seasonal fruits and vegetables.  It is your choice.

Your child’s health, ability to learn, behavior, self-control, and long term well-being are dependent on the decisions you make about exercise and food.

My son is three and a half and just started preschool.  I love the school and he does too, but now he is coming home talking about guns and pretending to shoot a gun and “kill the bad guys” all the time.  How do I respond when he plays these games?

When children begin preschool they are exposed to new children and different types of play.  Unfortunately, that includes gun play.

You won’t be able to monitor what your son sees and hears from the other children at school, but you can respond to his pretend play and comments.  Question and talk to him as much as possible.  Ask him, what do guns do?  Who are the bad guys that they are shooting?  What happens when the pretend guns are fired?

Your questions and responses to your son will begin to clarify the realities of guns for him.  At 3 1/2 years, his pretend play is real to him and likely he is unable to clearly distinguish who “the bad guys” are and why anyone would shoot them.  Yet, he needs to be made aware that guns are dangerous and can injure people seriously.  You may want to share your opinion about guns and killing.  This won’t eliminate his pretend play but you will introduce ideas that will help him balance gun play with other options.  Of course, this will not be easy because every day, the media highlights so much violence.

If your son’s fascination becomes excessive and you think this type of play is crossing into indiscriminate and violent killing, you need to immediately make an appointment to observe what is going on at the preschool.  Talk to the teachers.  The children could be mingled during afternoon sessions with older children whose gun play and killing play may be excessive and require additional supervision and guidance.